Unfortunately, bathroom envy is an epidemic plaguing the most historically oppressed gender to date. In the age of Pussy Power, there seems to be a blatant disregard for the rear orifice. Statistical evidence reveals that women are consistently more constipated than men. This has less to do with the fact that men’s intestines are generally a few feet shorter and not crowded by reproductive organs (or perhaps a growing fetus), and more to do with the female tendency to gossip.
Have you ever walked into a public restroom only to inhale a foul odor so putrid it inspired a reflexive gasp, cough or even worse, uncontrollable poop shaming? Then you are probably female. Sociology 101 teaches us that while men bond over activities, women tend to bond over intimate knowledge. So while men generally embrace the activity of defecating as another excuse to make light of a bodily fluid, women ignorantly incarcerate each other in the bathroom stall with their whispers. The fear of girl gossip is real especially in the restroom, where all kinds of intimacy issues are born.
So if the future is female, we need to turn the bathroom experience into a positively intimate one. Relationships evolve quickly once the pants come off. Women are already programmed to travel in packs to the bathroom, which only confirms our need for deeper connection. If you’re lucky, your best gal won’t just be there to hold your hair back, but she will deliver extra toilet paper when you wipe prematurely; she will be there to provide a pantyliner to manage any residual streaks; and above all, she will patiently wait until you’ve successfully emptied yesterday’s karma.
Nothing will kill your spirit like constipation. And nothing will make you more mental than feeling bloated on your two-week vacation in paradise with your new beau. Thou shall not wish this punishment on thy friends nor thy enemies.
Peace and happiness begin in the gut. 95% of serotonin, our feel-good chemical, is produced in the gut - not the brain. Scientists have even named the gut our second brain because it is lined with neural tissue that contains more neurons than our spinal cord! In fact, there is more neural communication traveling from your bowel to your brain than the other way around. So constipation can literally back up into your head causing anxiety and even depression. Progressive doctors are now treating anxiety and depression through the gut (versus the brain) via diet, probiotics and vagus nerve stimulation because it’s not all in your head, it’s in your gut.
We are what we eat and what we do not eliminate. And what we eat is literally a matter of life or death. Studies prove that certain foods take much longer for the average 26 foot long human intestinal tract to digest. Meat and dairy, for instance, can take up to three full days to digest. These decaying foods slowly ferment in our systems, causing gas, disease, premature aging, weight gain, body odor and skin disorders along the way. Alternatively, fruits and vegetables can pass through the body in less than a day. When we eat living, plant-based foods (like Sakara), we are feeding and multiplying the healthy bacteria (probiotics) in our system that fight bloat and protect us against pathogens, viruses, yeast overgrowth and the like. Furthermore, we are feeding ourselves bioavailable organic minerals, which cannot be replicated in a supplement. This provides unparalleled protection against stress and inflammation. And best of all, fiber-rich plant foods produce the fastest, most satisfying shits.
Free yourself and others from the confinements of your baggage by starting an open conversation about eliminating what you wish you could, at the moment. The crap we carry around limits our beauty, confidence, quality of life as well as our relationships. Talking shit is as trust-building as it is cathartic. Enjoy plant-based meals with friends and the magic that this new freedom promises. Namaste.
